Getting out of the Three R's

(This is Part 4 of a 4 Part Series on Conflict-Read 3 previous first!)

As mentioned in part one there is only one effective way to manage conflict and that is through Open-Honest-Communication. I mentioned that it was not easy but it is simple. In this post you will learn an effective strategy for managing conflict so you can create quality relationships. The strategy is an acronym Open The Front Door Now.

Observation
Thoughts
Feelings
Desire
NEXT Time

Flying can be a bear, and is sometimes unbearable for the frequent traveler. I was on my way back from Virginia, on an airline I will not mention, but its initials are AA. I was delayed getting into Dallas, and had only a few minutes to catch my connection. We deplaned at Gate 63, and my flight was leaving out of Gate 1A which was in "like El Paso" and I decided that I was going to run it, and not take the TRAAM. (Now they have the Skylink tram service which is amazing...then not so much). As I was running I kept checking the video board, and it said: "Now Boarding" I was thinking I might make it! I ran up, just in time to see the door close, and said to the gate agent, "I am on that plane!" She said, "that flight has already left." Before they reconstructed the terminal a few years ago, you would board a bus, and the bus would take you out to the regional jets where you would board the plane. Sometimes they would call a bus out to take you to the flight. That was what I was asking her to do, but she was insistent on the "that plane has already left." I was louder than I needed to be, ranted more than I should have, had a long discussion about the quality of our customer service. Her only response was, "I can put you on the 3:3o flight". Which meant a 5pm arrival, I would get home at 7:30pm. In time to go to bed, and get up early because I was speaking the next day. My precious Sunday, and short time with my family had dwindled to nothing! I was angry! You know that irritated, irate traveler in line that has no clue, the guy you never want to be...I was that guy. (not proud, but I was him) I remember thinking I can't believe I am losing it, and I can't believe my day is shot. I grabbed my ticket, sarcastically thanked the gate agent. Stormed off, called my wife, and an hour later I was still fuming! Then I had the realization..."If I stay in this state of mind, I will bring this energy home to my family." I had the tools but I wasn't using them. You know we can read, get information, go to seminars, go to church, listen to self-help programs but if we don't use those tools then it is all useless. My thought was that if I could "use the tools" apologize then at least I won't take this energy home. This ties back to the previous blog, we don't apologize for them as much as we do for our own health. I went back to the counter, luckily the gate agent was still there I said, "I don't know if you remember me?" She kindly smiled and said, "Yes, I remember you. I began to use the tool I had taught so many times in my past.

OBSERVATION-(State what is true using "I" statements)

I noticed (this is my observation about my behavior) that last time I was here, I didn't treat you very well.

THOUGHTS-(State your thoughts or ask them about theirs...this was not really a two way conflict so I simply stated my thoughts)

My thoughts about that is that no-one should be treated the way I treated you.

DESIRE-(State what you would like to be different as a result of this conversation)

I just want to let you know that I realize that now, and I am sorry.

NEXT-(State what you will do the next time you are in this situation)

The next time I am in a situation like this, I will be more mindful that you are doing the best you can, and I will be kinder.

Her, response was a simple thank-you, and that she knew I just wanted to get where I was going, but my internal response was the biggest change. Immediately the resentment was gone, the desire to be angry, get revenge all of it was gone, and I came home able to enjoy what little time I had.

Using OTFDN is a simple action that will make a huge difference. In this situation it was with someone I didn't even know yet I received the benefit of peace. Imagine the benefits when we practice understanding with the people we work with everyday or the people we love.