The Three R's of Conflict

Conflict usually starts when someone does something we "feel" they should not have done. When they do the thing, Who had the expectation that was not met? If you answered: "Me" then you are correct! Who has the feeling? Again...um...Me? Who do we blame? Usually we blame...THEM. This is an interesting way that we set things up. My expectations were not met, my feelings were hurt, and it is your fault! The first step in managing conflict is recognizing that your expectations and your feelings play a role in what is happening to you. However, lets play the scenario out. My expectation not met, my feelings were hurt, and we normally step into the first stage of conflict. It starts with an R (remember we are talking about the three R's of conflict. The first R=Resentment. I resent you because you SHOULD have done it different! Does it end at resentment...nope there are three. The second stage is resistence. You know I am not going to talk to you, I will give you the silent treatment, avoid you in the hallways at work. There are four reasons we resist others when in conflict. #1: I want to be right....I know if we talked about it I might discover I was wrong. I stay silent...I am lonely but I am right. It is interesting to note that people that always have a need to be right will alienate themselves from the people they love for the sake of "rightness". #2: We want to punish others. We know that we are going to forgive them but we want to make them feel our pain for a while. It is never a good idea to punish the ones we love, or work with. #3 We don't know what to do. Sometimes we don't have a good model of how to work things out so we just keep to ourselves because we just don't know. I don't know is a child's answer IDK? If we are mature adults we have a responsibility to notice things are not optimal and then to take action to improve the quality of the relationship. The last and only acceptable reason to avoid communication is #4: I need more time. Yep, you can use that one! The only catch to "I need more time". Is you need to "let them in on it". As a responsible communicator it is most useful if you go to that person and say..."This is a tough situation, I am angry about what is going on, I want to work it out, because I care about the quality of our relationship, but I need some time." This is an almost magical statement in the conflict process because this statement lets your time apart be a time of healing rather than a time of conflict escalation. By not making this statement people have a tendency to assume the worst whereby sending them into the "Three R's" and the situation gets more complicated. If you don't make the statement you will most likely go into the "Third R" which is REVENGE! Does revenge feel good? If it didn't we wouldn't do it! There was a saying in the sixties..."If it feels good-do it!" That statement was taken out of context of an original truth. Which said, "If it feels good tomorrow then do it today." Revenge is short lived, it only feels good in the moment, it never feels good in the long run. Now the situation get complicated, because if I get revenge on you, then what are you going to do to me? Uhhm Get revenge. Then they are going to be in the Three R's and the cycle starts all over again. Who wins this game? Hey, if we fight fire with fire, there is going to be a bigger fire. In my next post, find out what happens when we stay stuck in the Three R's.