One Small Change!

Joe Kita contributed an article published in the December, 2008 article of Readers Digest that makes a case for the small adjustments we can make in our daily lives that can make a huge difference in the quality of our lives. For those of you in education I thought this one was rather profound!

The simple change: "Hello"

While it doesn't seem mind shattering the results for him were nothing short of amazing his findings were as follows. Greeting every fellow human being he ran into for one month created a huge change in the way the world treated him.

1. It is not as easy as you think.
As we age we become a little more jaded and a little less willing to reach out. The tendency is to speak only to people that we need something from and it is a difficult habit to break.

2. Friendliness is so rare nowadays it's disarming.
Because people are not accustomed to being greeted it was a way to grab their attention. When greeting customer service people he discovered that he got better service everywhere he went.

3. It can boost productivity.
In one study at a middle school teachers were asked to greet their students individually each morning. The brief interaction ultimately raised their productivity by 27%. 27%! In a time when teachers are searching for ways to get more out of their student, where every improvement matters. We should be more mindful of the power of a greeting. On a personal level I have noticed from walking into so many schools the difference in school climate when an administrator or teacher is at the door in the morning talking to students as they arrive. Folks, how we start our day makes a huge difference in school climate!

4. Respect begets respect.
The simple act of respecting and noticing others creates a mutual respect that pays dividends later. Even if we don't know the person now, a later interaction will be more pleasant and cheerful if you reach out first.

5. Reaching out focuses you.
The act of reaching out brings you back into the now, and creates an awareness of your surroundings. It brings presence, peace and a connection to the world.

6. It is a universal health insurance.
Being healthy benefits everyone, and the act of smiling lowers blood pressure, releases immune deficiency building endorphins, and boost daily happiness. A Canadian study found that calling center employees who played "smile hunting" game before work, in which they repeatedly picked the smiling face our of an assortment of photos had 17% less of the stress inducing hormone cortisol after their shift.

Wouldn't it be useful if we all played the "smile hunting" game! Better yet, what if we were the initiators of the smiles with a simple greeting! It really comes down to this:

Have you ever been around those people who brighten up the room when they enter the room? You know that special someone that when they walk in the room that just make you feel better. Those are special people the ones that brighten up the room when they enter!

Have you ever been around the kind of people that brighten up the room when they leave the room?

I guess we should all ask the question: Which one am I? Your place of work, your school, your home is different when you are not there. I hope that it gets better when you arrive.

Go out and support others in having a better day! We will all be better because of it!

Getting out of the Three R's

(This is Part 4 of a 4 Part Series on Conflict-Read 3 previous first!)

As mentioned in part one there is only one effective way to manage conflict and that is through Open-Honest-Communication. I mentioned that it was not easy but it is simple. In this post you will learn an effective strategy for managing conflict so you can create quality relationships. The strategy is an acronym Open The Front Door Now.

Observation
Thoughts
Feelings
Desire
NEXT Time

Flying can be a bear, and is sometimes unbearable for the frequent traveler. I was on my way back from Virginia, on an airline I will not mention, but its initials are AA. I was delayed getting into Dallas, and had only a few minutes to catch my connection. We deplaned at Gate 63, and my flight was leaving out of Gate 1A which was in "like El Paso" and I decided that I was going to run it, and not take the TRAAM. (Now they have the Skylink tram service which is amazing...then not so much). As I was running I kept checking the video board, and it said: "Now Boarding" I was thinking I might make it! I ran up, just in time to see the door close, and said to the gate agent, "I am on that plane!" She said, "that flight has already left." Before they reconstructed the terminal a few years ago, you would board a bus, and the bus would take you out to the regional jets where you would board the plane. Sometimes they would call a bus out to take you to the flight. That was what I was asking her to do, but she was insistent on the "that plane has already left." I was louder than I needed to be, ranted more than I should have, had a long discussion about the quality of our customer service. Her only response was, "I can put you on the 3:3o flight". Which meant a 5pm arrival, I would get home at 7:30pm. In time to go to bed, and get up early because I was speaking the next day. My precious Sunday, and short time with my family had dwindled to nothing! I was angry! You know that irritated, irate traveler in line that has no clue, the guy you never want to be...I was that guy. (not proud, but I was him) I remember thinking I can't believe I am losing it, and I can't believe my day is shot. I grabbed my ticket, sarcastically thanked the gate agent. Stormed off, called my wife, and an hour later I was still fuming! Then I had the realization..."If I stay in this state of mind, I will bring this energy home to my family." I had the tools but I wasn't using them. You know we can read, get information, go to seminars, go to church, listen to self-help programs but if we don't use those tools then it is all useless. My thought was that if I could "use the tools" apologize then at least I won't take this energy home. This ties back to the previous blog, we don't apologize for them as much as we do for our own health. I went back to the counter, luckily the gate agent was still there I said, "I don't know if you remember me?" She kindly smiled and said, "Yes, I remember you. I began to use the tool I had taught so many times in my past.

OBSERVATION-(State what is true using "I" statements)

I noticed (this is my observation about my behavior) that last time I was here, I didn't treat you very well.

THOUGHTS-(State your thoughts or ask them about theirs...this was not really a two way conflict so I simply stated my thoughts)

My thoughts about that is that no-one should be treated the way I treated you.

DESIRE-(State what you would like to be different as a result of this conversation)

I just want to let you know that I realize that now, and I am sorry.

NEXT-(State what you will do the next time you are in this situation)

The next time I am in a situation like this, I will be more mindful that you are doing the best you can, and I will be kinder.

Her, response was a simple thank-you, and that she knew I just wanted to get where I was going, but my internal response was the biggest change. Immediately the resentment was gone, the desire to be angry, get revenge all of it was gone, and I came home able to enjoy what little time I had.

Using OTFDN is a simple action that will make a huge difference. In this situation it was with someone I didn't even know yet I received the benefit of peace. Imagine the benefits when we practice understanding with the people we work with everyday or the people we love.

Staying Stuck in The Three R's

(read the previous two posts first!)
A cancer is an energy source that eats away at the larger energy source with no reference to the whole. It eats away at the larger energy source and destroys the larger energy source and eventually destroys itself. Think about it...Isn't that what a cancer does? It starts off small inside the body, eating, growing, if left untreated it destroys the body and destroys itself. When we are living in the Three R's we become that cancer. I hear people say, "I would never apologize...I won't give them the satisfaction!" By staying stuck, you are killing yourself, killing your relationships and taking that inability to handle conflict into future relationships. I have some big news for you. It is not the other party that gets the benefit of the apology it is you! By learning to clean up your relationships you are giving yourself the necessary life energy you need to survive. I learned in my college physics class that when resistence is present there is a release of ENERGY! When I am going through my life with an unsolved conflict here, an unsolved conflict there...all of that takes energy. It depleats my energy source and at the end of the day I am exhausted. By learning to handle the conflicts of your lives we have more energy to love the people we care about! All of these blogs began with a discussion about conflict and communication. I made the assertion that it is not easy, but it is simple. In the next post, learn the simple strategy for handling the conflicts of our lives!

The Three R's of Conflict

Conflict usually starts when someone does something we "feel" they should not have done. When they do the thing, Who had the expectation that was not met? If you answered: "Me" then you are correct! Who has the feeling? Again...um...Me? Who do we blame? Usually we blame...THEM. This is an interesting way that we set things up. My expectations were not met, my feelings were hurt, and it is your fault! The first step in managing conflict is recognizing that your expectations and your feelings play a role in what is happening to you. However, lets play the scenario out. My expectation not met, my feelings were hurt, and we normally step into the first stage of conflict. It starts with an R (remember we are talking about the three R's of conflict. The first R=Resentment. I resent you because you SHOULD have done it different! Does it end at resentment...nope there are three. The second stage is resistence. You know I am not going to talk to you, I will give you the silent treatment, avoid you in the hallways at work. There are four reasons we resist others when in conflict. #1: I want to be right....I know if we talked about it I might discover I was wrong. I stay silent...I am lonely but I am right. It is interesting to note that people that always have a need to be right will alienate themselves from the people they love for the sake of "rightness". #2: We want to punish others. We know that we are going to forgive them but we want to make them feel our pain for a while. It is never a good idea to punish the ones we love, or work with. #3 We don't know what to do. Sometimes we don't have a good model of how to work things out so we just keep to ourselves because we just don't know. I don't know is a child's answer IDK? If we are mature adults we have a responsibility to notice things are not optimal and then to take action to improve the quality of the relationship. The last and only acceptable reason to avoid communication is #4: I need more time. Yep, you can use that one! The only catch to "I need more time". Is you need to "let them in on it". As a responsible communicator it is most useful if you go to that person and say..."This is a tough situation, I am angry about what is going on, I want to work it out, because I care about the quality of our relationship, but I need some time." This is an almost magical statement in the conflict process because this statement lets your time apart be a time of healing rather than a time of conflict escalation. By not making this statement people have a tendency to assume the worst whereby sending them into the "Three R's" and the situation gets more complicated. If you don't make the statement you will most likely go into the "Third R" which is REVENGE! Does revenge feel good? If it didn't we wouldn't do it! There was a saying in the sixties..."If it feels good-do it!" That statement was taken out of context of an original truth. Which said, "If it feels good tomorrow then do it today." Revenge is short lived, it only feels good in the moment, it never feels good in the long run. Now the situation get complicated, because if I get revenge on you, then what are you going to do to me? Uhhm Get revenge. Then they are going to be in the Three R's and the cycle starts all over again. Who wins this game? Hey, if we fight fire with fire, there is going to be a bigger fire. In my next post, find out what happens when we stay stuck in the Three R's.

Conflict and Communication

Conflict is an interesting thing...in my seminars I ask participants to come up with synonyms for conflict. The list usually looks something like this: Fight, anger, frustration, hurt, competition, war, disappointment, fear, hate, complicated...you get the idea. I ask them to look at the list..."Most of these words are what?....Negative." "When something shows up in our lives that is that negative what do we have a tendency to do?" The answer is: AVOID! Most of us know that avoiding is not a very good way to handle conflict, and when we avoid it then it usually gets worse! So how do we handle it? The only way I know to handle it is by Open-Honest-Communication. Communication does not solve all problems but it does open up the door for things to get better. If we don't handle the conflicts of our lives then things have a tendency to get worse. Is there an easy solution the answer is NO! It is not easy, but it is simple, but before we can get to the simple solution we will need to look at what happens to us if we don't handle our conflicts. In my next blog we will look at the Three R's. In my business programs we go into this in detail. Click on the business page of www.billcordes.com to learn more about "The Effective Communicator" seminar!

Teaching Responsibility

So often I hear principals or counselors make the comment... "You really clarified the concept of responsibility today...but how do I reinforce those ideas after you are gone?" The answer: "Repetition is the mother of skill!" If I have been to your school you have seen the "Responsibilty Model." If you have forgotten what the model looks like or I have never been to your school then I would suggest emailing me at bill@billcordes.com I would be happy to send you the model. Make a big one and put it in your office, up in your classroom, or in the hallways of your school. Then when you have a teachable moment. That is, someone messes up, they get busted, they blow an opportunity then take them a side...have them study the poster and use the questioning piece. The questioning piece is using questions so they can come to a conclusion on thier own. The key to the questioning piece is that you want to be like Colombo...If you don't know who Colombo is...well your young. Colombo was this detective that never made accusations, he was curious rather than accusitory. He would simply ask questions about the situations and then allow them to make their own very obvious conclusions. "So what happened?" "What did you notice?" "What were your thoughts?" "How did it escalate from there?" Once they have given you plenty of information show them the poster. "Look at this Responsibility is our ability to respond to the situation. You and I can't change the past we can only decide about what to do next. So, where do you think you are right now?" "Shame?" "Blame?" "Deny?" "or "Do you feel like just giving up?" "Since we can't change the past we can either continue to live in this and be a victim or we can focus on what we can do right now so we are not a victim. The bottom line...this is a learning opportunity...If you stay stuck in shame, blame, deny or quit...those make you a victim and everyone else owns you and your feelings." "Which would you rather do?" The other option is to ask the question...What did I learn and then move forward?" I can't make the choice for you so if you did learn something what would it be?" Open it up so they can talk about it, and by them coming up with a conclusion on their own all will be better off."

The Unforgettable Coach

For many of us the coaches of our lives no matter what age have had an impact on our lives on some level. In a perfect world we would hope that the impact has been positive, the lessons have been valuable and we continue to think about our experiences in athletics as a positive part of our personal growth. However, for many young athletes that has not been the case. Think about the long term life lessons we learn from athletics...we would hope that it would be personal character, persistence, positive attitude, team building skills, overcoming obstacles, following a dream, passion, communication skills. These are the building blocks for success in any career. However, the lessons often learned are, lack of restraint (as often taught through example by coaches) , a sense of entitlement, a my way or the high way attitude and the belief that competing (even in personal relationships) is the best way to gain success. If we take those lessons and attempt to apply them in personal relationships I think it is easy to see that everyone involved ends up losing!

The Solution: Craig Hillier and I have teamed up to put together a project to teach the value of competition, as well as the importance of learning to manage relationships in a positive way. The project is a book, that will eventually become a coaches curriculum called, "The Unforgettable Coach".

If you are interested in being a part of this project we would sure love to hear your stories! Go the the link above... www.unforgettablecoach.com and you can be a part of the solution!